Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
