please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
