my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
