Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
