Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
