oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
