yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
are you still at the devil's house?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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