Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize