What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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