I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
