Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
