My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
