hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize