Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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