Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
