I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
wow bdsm is so cute
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
