I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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