I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
