Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
