i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
