he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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