Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
