we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
