How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
