I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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