Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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