I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
