I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
