I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
