dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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