My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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