I could make wine with my vomit
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
