shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
