Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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