I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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