youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
