my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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