Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
