How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
