On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
