when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
