If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
