Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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