What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
