And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
