Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
