Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
