my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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