So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
