I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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