Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
