I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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