why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
