dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Randomize
