Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
