ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
