It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
