I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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