Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
