My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
