I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
