ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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